Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is the ability to effectively manage how we respond to experiences.

Teaching it to our kids is a process that starts and ends with us. That can be a lot of responsibility but it also means we can control it. It doesn’t need to be perfect and it gets easier with time. If the goal is to respond to our child's big emotions in a helpful way, there are practical steps we can take before, during, and after those difficult moments.

Pre-work (building capacity)

• Regulation and stressors

  • Regulation is a state of calm.

  • Stressors are things that take us away from the regulated state and burn energy (sensory input, difficult social situations, environments we can't control).

  • Managing stressors gives us more energy / capacity to deal with challenging emotional situations.

    • For parents, this gives us more capacity to show up how we want to, and to help our children regulate.

    • For our kids, this helps them deal with emotions in a more appropriate way. You can support them by teaching coping strategies. e.g. Earplugs for excessive noise, drinking cool water in heat.

• Self-care

  • Other ways to build emotional capacity include regular exercise, good quality sleep, balanced diet, positive social interactions.

• Feeling the emotions

  • We can build a "secure attachment" with uncomfortable emotions like anger so we can handle them appropriately and learn from them.

  • Recounting triggering situations and allowing yourself to really feel the emotions will make you more comfortable with them and therefore build your emotional capacity over time.

In the moment

• Ensure everyone's safety

  • Make sure the child and everyone else is safe, which could include physically stopping or redirecting violent movements

• Understanding and reframing behaviour

  • Labels on a child's character/self can form part of their identity; talking about their behaviour or choices can be more effective.

  • Behaviour is a best attempt to get a need met. You can reframe "bad behaviour" in that way - it isn't a reflection on your parenting or a problem with the child.

  • I encourage parents to approach situations with curiosity, which can help to avoid judgements.

• Co-regulation

  • Young children can't (fully) regulate emotions by themselves - they need help from an adult. Being with a child and helping them come back to regulation is called co-regulation. I recommend using this practice when you have time and capacity; it does get faster and easier.

These are the basic steps:

• Ground yourself by remembering: "This is just a child who is struggling. Everyone is safe."

• "Be with" them in the emotion - you might match their energy level initially rather than immediately trying to calm them down.

• Sit with them through the emotion. Their logical brain isn't working at this time, so reserve language and reasoning.

• As they start to calm, you can name the emotion (e.g., "you're feeling really frustrated") or simply acknowledge what happened (e.g., "that didn't go the way you expected").

• Once they’re calmer, you can try strategies like deep breathing or movement activities.

• Later, when they're fully regulated, have a conversation about what triggered the emotion; e.g. anger tells us a need isn't being met.

Afterwards

• Meaningful repair

  • If you reacted in a way you didn’t intend to, practicing repair is really important.

  • Doing this models what a healthy relationship looks like - things aren't always perfect but we can expect an apology from people who care about us.

• Uncovering unmet needs

  • Emotions give us information. Anger, in particular, tells us that we have an unmet need or that something important to us is being threatened. When your child is fully recovered, you can discuss what needs are going unmet.

• Talking about emotions

  • Talking about your own feelings and struggles can help build emotional intelligence in kids and model a healthy relationship with emotions.

  • When you have capacity, a key to building emotional intelligence* is to focus on the emotion and help kids really feel it - how it feels in their body, what is uncomfortable, when have they felt this way before.

* emotional intelligence is being able to feel emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them, and using that feeling to find out what needs are being unmet. This contrasts with emotional dysregulation when we lose control.