Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries can be difficult. There are countless reasons why:
Parents can be inconsistent between each other
Parents can struggle to take the lead, balancing being wiser and kind
Children might think there are too many rules
Children might sense different treatment between siblings
Children sometimes don’t agree with the rule
The other person may react badly to the boundary, causing us to lower them
Boundaries are limits or standards for what we will accept in a relationship. They are a way of taking control and responsibility for ourselves and don’t require the other person to do anything.
It’s really important to teach kids how to set healthy boundaries, so they can take this skill into every other relationship as they grow.
Healthy boundaries are set up to protect our values, and it’s critical that those values are genuine. Working with a coach is great way to help identify if a value is authentic to you or inherited and you don’t actually believe in it.
Here’s my recommended approach for setting up healthy boundaries in a family:
Start with Shared Family Values
Consider developing 5 values together as a family. You can include the kids in this process so they have a sense of ownership and agreement.
Communicate the Boundaries
When you need to set a boundary or say no, use the "will and why" framework.
Will = what you are willing or not willing to do
Why = the shared family value
e.g. "I'm not willing to let you yell at me because we value kindness" or better "I'm willing to help you say that in a different way, because we value kindness." The latter is effective because it more clearly states your expectation, and also gives you a strategy for where to focus your energy in the moment (i.e. discipline).
